Conflict is inevitable.
We can’t run and we can’t hide; it lurks around every corner.
And that can be scary when conflict feels like it will never end once it starts and therefore has the potential to irreparably damage a relationship.
But what distinguishes healthy relationships from toxic ones is not the presence of conflict; it’s the way we approach it, navigate it, and resolve it.
When communication breaks down or there’s an unmet expectation in our relationships, we must actively work to repair the damage rather than trying to minimize it, avoid it, or pretend it didn’t happen in the first place.
Because although these coping mechanisms come with a positive intention (if I don’t MAKE a big deal out of this, it won’t BE a big deal), if we don’t learn how to navigate conflict, it becomes like clutter that accumulates around a room.
It’s no problem at first, but with time, it can become all we see when we open the door.
Have you ever let go of a relationship because there was just too much water under the bridge? That’s what we’re trying to avoid!
How Can Conflict Strengthen My Relationships and Build Trust?
Deep connections are not stumbled upon; they are forged over time through the tests that come with living.
Think of relationships as savings accounts.
When you have a positive interaction with someone, it’s like making a deposit.
When conflict arises and damage is done, it’s like making a withdrawal.
That sounds simple enough, but there’s an absolutely crucial layer here that many of us miss if we’ve never learned how to repair a rupture in a relationship: by resolving the conflict, we replace that withdrawal.
In fact, there’s a key to navigating conflict that will result in us making an additional BONUS deposit that will leave our connections stronger than they were before the conflict.
And that’s accountability.
Owning Your Moves
This is where most of us get tripped up.
We want to repair the damage done by the conflict, but we’re afraid of what it will mean about us if we own our role.
Example: “If I take responsibility for what this person is saying I did, it means X (I hurt this person on purpose, I’m a bad person, I’m a failure, they’re going to leave me, I’ll ‘lose’ the fight, etc).”
But the truth is, taking responsibility for your role in the conflict requires honest self-reflection and vulnerability.
And being willing to do that only points to positive things about you.
So, when you find yourself in conflict, ask yourself, “Where did things fall off track on my end? When was I out of alignment with my Authentic Self?”
Then speak to that with authority, knowing that making mistakes is human and as long as you own the moves you made, you actually prove that you’re a safe, trustworthy person.
Rupture and Repair in Action
So, conflict arises and some damage is done: money comes out of the account.
You initiate a conversation with this person and listen to their side: money goes back INTO the account.
Finally, you own your role by taking accountability for what you did in a disempowered state: an extra bonus goes into the account.
Note: Because you SHARE these emotional bank accounts with the other party, it’s important that they’re investing in it the same way you are.
Even if you do everything right, there’s a chance the connection won’t be sustainable if the other person is only making withdrawals on their end.
But with this system in place, you’ll be able to make your next empowered moves with peace, knowing you did everything you could to make it work!
And as for the relationships that are full of reciprocity?
Enjoy your riches!
