Last week, we introduced some insights into your own unique needs.
Now that we know your top needs, we’re going to focus on the second quadrant of needs: meeting them yourself.
Today will be particularly helpful if you notice you tend to soothe your emotions/stress/insecurity through others or through behaviors you later get down on yourself for.
Although healthy relationships prioritize interdependence (relying on each other in a mutually beneficial way), we want to avoid being so enmeshed with our partners or loved ones that we can only soothe ourselves through them, rendering ourselves helpless when we’re alone.
And in fact, self soothing is one of the most empowering and sustainable ways to get our needs met.
So, here are 4 top ways to fill up your need buckets independent of others or unhelpful habits.
Practice Verbal Ventilation
Psychotherapist and author Pete Walker describes verbal ventilation as “the penultimate metabolizer of emotional pain. It is speaking or writing in a manner that airs out and releases painful feelings. When we let our words spring from what we feel, language is imbued with emotion, and pain can be released through what we say or write.”
To practice this, speak directly from the emotions you’re experiencing and keep an eye out for your inner critic in case they should make an appearance and try to discount what you’re saying.
Make it like your own little therapy session for yourself.
Listen to yourself with compassion as you talk through what you’re experiencing and how you feel about it.
This simple act meets the needs to feel seen, heard, and understood as well as the need for attention.
Talk to Yourself Like You Would a Friend
I know speaking encouragement to yourself might sound cheesy, but it can be immensely cathartic.
The trick is focusing on positive facts that you can accept without resistance.
If “you’re so wonderful!” feels like a load of crap, try looking at what you’re genuinely proud of that you’ve accomplished in your life or listing your positive traits.
Pay close attention to the sensations in your body as you speak aloud at least 10 things that are objectively positive and true about you.
This meets the needs for validation, approval, inclusion, and reassurance.
Give Yourself a Massage
Besides self-massage lowering stress, improving mood, and increasing endorphins, it also meets the needs of comfort, intimacy, connection, and physical touch.
Try following along with this easy, 5 minute video if you’re not sure where to start.
Take Yourself on an Adventure
Make a list of what feels exciting to you and embark on a solo adventurous activity.
Whether it’s taking a walk around the block, hiking into the great unknown, heading to the local farmer’s market, taking yourself out on a date, or something else entirely, find what lights you up.
Depending on the activity, showing up for yourself in this way can meet the needs for novelty, adventure, exploration, discovery, nature, autonomy, freedom, and independence!
In closing
As connecting and fulfilling as it can be to meet your needs through or with other people, meeting them yourself is hella empowering and sometimes even more successful since you know your needs better than anyone else.
Give it a try this week and watch those need buckets overflow!
