Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
I love a good hot topic, and the concept of gaslighting is boiling.
It’s one of those words where you can ask 10 people what it means and everyone will probably have a slightly different definition.
I know I’d heard this word bandied about YEARS before I knew what it actually meant.
Today, I want to talk about what this word means, how it might be negatively impacting you and your relationships (even if you don’t realize it!), and how to recognize it with absolute clarity so you can do something about it when it happens.
The range of gaslighting
The dictionary defines gaslighting as “manipulating (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.”
And the more I’ve studied it and seen it at work, the more of a range I’ve seen.
For example, severe gaslighting might occur in a heated argument and look something like this:
Your objective is to resolve the conflict, while the gaslighter’s objective is to make you feel crazy.
The longer you spend trying to hash things out or explaining your side, the worse things get and the more confused you end up feeling.
That’s why the conflict never actually gets resolved!
If you can feel this on your own skin as I describe it, it’s definitely happened to you before.
We tend to be able to recognize how toxic this level of gaslighting is whether we’re familiar with its technical definition or not.
So, what happens when it’s more covert?
My definition of gaslighting (that’s helped me to see mild to severe levels) is when someone tries to force their own narrative onto someone else’s.
Here are some phrases as examples of lower level gaslighting:
“That’s not what happened.”
“I was just kidding!”
“Why are you making such a big deal out of this?”
This is a more stealthy way of gaslighting that most of us have been guilty of at one time or another, though it’s still dangerous to our relationships.
And that brings up an interesting point: gaslighting is one of those things you can do without meaning to.
That’s why it’s so important to learn how to recognize it!
The goal is to be able to catch yourself and others as it’s happening (or better yet, before it happens) since gaslighting causes a lot of damage to relationships.
How gaslighting could be negatively affecting your relationships
Once again, the range is important to note here as severe gaslighting causes more extreme effects.
Severe gaslighting makes a relationship unstable and codependent.
It makes us feel crazy, confused, helpless, and full of self doubt.
It’s an emotionally abusive method of control used by highly narcissistic and/or insecure individuals.
The low level gaslighting is even more ubiquitous since it can be so difficult to spot.
If you’re wondering whether or not you’re in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) where at least mild gaslighting is taking place, here are some questions you can ask:
“Do I feel validated and understood by this person when I share my experience?”
“Do they accept personal responsibility?”
“Do I trust this person to have my best interest at heart?”
“Do we collaborate as a team and find solutions together?”
If you can answer “yes” to all of these, you’re in great shape and you’ve got a connection to be thankful for!
If you answered “no” to one or more of the above, it might be time to get curious.
What to do if you spot gaslighting
Pay attention to your interactions with this person and step in if they start to put their own narrative on your experience.
Healthy communication and connection looks like accepting each other’s experience before you do anything else.
No matter what, y’all.
All we can do as humans is be honest with what we’re experiencing and then collaborate on how to alter the experience if needed.
Accepting someone’s point of view as they present it is an absolutely imperative part of this. It cannot be skipped.
If we can’t master that first step, it makes finding a solution together impossible and it puts the relationship in jeopardy.
On the flip side of that, once we can recognize this behavior (in ourselves and others), we can take steps to create a deeper bond with more trust and greater satisfaction.
A relationship without gaslighting from either party is one where both individuals feel safe and are more willing to give each other the benefit of the doubt even in difficult circumstances.
Hellz yeah!! I’ll take a heaping bowl full of that!
Takeaways:
- If someone is minimizing, invalidating, or redefining your experience to better suit their own narrative, they’re gaslighting you.
- There are different levels of gaslighting from mild to severe, and every versions needs to be taken seriously so you can have the closeness and safety you deserve
- If you can eradicate gaslighting from your relationships, it will enable you to build unshakeable closeness and emotional intimacy
See you next week!
