Choosing to forgive can be one of the most challenging decisions we ever make.
Today, we’re going to talk about why forgiveness is important, how to consciously choose it, and what benefits come our way when we do.
What does it mean to forgive?
Our resistance to forgiving someone who has hurt us often coincides with the belief that choosing to forgive means 1) that we’re condoning the other person’s behavior or 2) that we’re saying what happened to us wasn’t that big of a deal.
That’s far from the truth, though.
According to the dictionary, to forgive means “to cease to feel resentment against (an offender).”
That reminds me of the saying about how holding onto unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer.
Forgiveness is essentially letting go of the ties between you and the pain and thus, putting the poison down for good.
First steps to forgiveness
The first step to forgiveness is to ask yourself what the positive intention of holding onto the resentment is.
There is ALWAYS a good reason, and it needs to be honored or you won’t be able to let go even if you try.
The second step is to ask yourself if there’s a way to honor that positive intention while also letting go of the emotional cord between you and the incident or the other person.
Forgiving someone DOES NOT MEAN you have to keep them in your life, especially if they haven’t taken responsibility for their side of things.
You might need space from the other person for a time or even indefinitely depending on the circumstances, or it may just be that you need to create stronger boundaries with them.
What to do when resentment keeps hanging around
For deeply entrenched unforgiveness and resentment, it’s going to be a process to let go.
Something helpful to remember is that hurtful situations happen because one or both (or all) parties were acting unconsciously.
I gave a client an example of this recently.
A year or so ago in the middle of the night, my husband had some dream where he had to fight off an intruder.
During his valiant struggle with his assailant to save the day in his dream, his physical body responded by flinging his arm out, hitting me square in the stomach.
As we both came to and tried to figure out what the heck had just happened, he was in a panic as he apologized profusely for hurting me.
My immediate response was, “It’s okay! You were unconscious!!!”
In that moment, it occurred to me that we are all unconscious when we hurt others just as others are unconscious when they hurt us.
While this is not an excuse for our limitations, it is virtually always the reason.
When we’re connected to our most conscious, authentic selves, we are not hurtful or callous.
It’s worth noting that some people consistently operate from a deeply unconscious state and we need to protect ourselves from their actions.
This is a helpful lens to see each other through when we notice blame and resentment continuing to flood our brains and bodies.
Forgiveness affirmations
Even once you’ve let go of unforgiveness with your logical brain, it will probably still resurface on a regular basis for quite some time.
When it does, use one of the following affirmations (or create your own!) to bring yourself back into alignment and continue the process of letting go:
“I release this person to the universe.”
“I choose to let go of shame and self judgment.”
“I release these feelings that do not serve me.”
“I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I am wiser now.”
Benefits of forgiveness
I cannot stress enough that choosing to forgive is not about the other person.
It’s about YOU.
Here are the benefits to you if you’re ready to let go of unforgiveness:
- Lowered risk of heart attack
- Better cholesterol levels
- Better sleep
- Reduced pain levels
- Less anxiety
- Less stress
- Reduced symptoms of depression
You deserve those benefits!
When you’re ready, they are waiting for you.
Takeaways:
- Forgiveness is simply about letting go of the pain you’re carrying. It’s not about what the other person deserves; it’s about what YOU deserve.
- You can choose to let go of pain and resentment while also choosing to protect yourself from those who hurt you with their unconscious actions and limitations.
- Choosing to forgive means choosing to be a happier, healthier person both mentally and physically.
Because choosing to forgive is probably one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever make, it’s crucial to be patient with yourself as you start.
If all you can do today is acknowledge the emotions you’re carrying, that is enough!
You got this!
