Whether it’s in a romantic relationship, a close friendship, or a relationship with a family member, we are wired for intimacy and connection.
Though there are different definitions of intimacy, what I’m going to be encouraging you with today is the kind of closeness that comes when you have a strong sense of belonging and security with another person.
It’s the feeling you get when you feel completely comfortable to represent yourself authentically without fear of rejection.
Here are my secrets for creating intimacy and closeness:
- Accept yo-self
Come on, admit it.
You knew this one was coming!
Without first being able to accept ourselves, we simply won’t allow ourselves to be accepted by others.
We essentially walk around wearing a sign that says, “Don’t get close to me! I don’t deserve it! I’m unacceptable!”
So, take a long look at yourself and the challenges you experience as a person when you approach connection.
Although these things don’t define who you are, they have to be navigated.
Accepting your imperfections without identifying with them is key.
You don’t have to be in love with every pattern, action, or thought.
This is more about seeing what’s there so you can be aware of what is challenging and triggering for you in a nonjudgmental way.
The more we know ourselves, the easier it is to be transparent with someone else.
2. No peas under the mattress! This is a concept all of my clients are familiar with.
I came up with it when my husband and I started dating, and it’s been my guiding light to closeness ever since.
It references The Princess and the Pea, a sort of ridiculous story about a princess who proved her royalty by being able to feel a single pea as she slept under 20 mattresses.
I realized I identified with that story in some way because it’s how I always felt when it came to relationships.
If there was a single misunderstanding or disconnection between me and someone I loved, I could feel it, and it created distance.
In my previous relationships, whether they were romantic or not, I let the “peas” stack up.
I didn’t want to make a big deal out of something like a judgmental tone, a harsh word, or feeling taken for granted.
I rarely said anything, and the stack continued to grow.
The problem was that what started out as a few misunderstandings eventually turned into masses of resentment.
This led to numerous broken friendships, family relationships, and romances.
It wasn’t until I met Eric that I knew I had to change the system.
It’s one we both agree on and practice regularly, sometimes every day.
If either of us feels there’s disconnection between us, we have a conversation to get on the same page.
This takes self acceptance and trust in your gut.
I cannot tell you what this has done for my feelings of security, belonging, intimacy, and closeness in my marriage and with other loved ones.
Even though it was formulated in a romantic relationship, the concept of “no peas” can be applied to any close relationship.
Get the other person on the same page before you start, and it will become a practice before you know it!
3. Choose the right people
All the self acceptance and healthy practices in the world will still be ineffective at creating intimacy and security with the wrong people.
Creating intimacy is like planting seeds in good soil.
Without decent soil (security, trust, reciprocity), it’s almost impossible for anything to grow.
So, it’s critical to make sure the relationship is on the right track at its core before building toward a deeper connection.
I’m going to spend some more time on what this looks like and how to do it next week.
For now, I want to encourage you to think about your relationships.
Who do you trust implicitly?
How do you know you can trust this person and what makes you feel safe with them?
My hope for you is for you to find and nurture the relationships that bring out the best in you.
Cheers to your success!
