The last two weeks we did a bit of an intro about discovering your needs and then talked about how to meet them yourself.
Today, we’re going to find out how to communicate your needs to others.
Common Pitfalls in Communication:
1) We try to communicate even when we don’t know why we’re upset (Ex. If someone is 10 out of 10 angry about laundry being on the floor, that strong reaction might actually be coming from feeling unsupported, overwhelmed, or disrespected because they asked and felt ignored)
2) We expect others to mind read and to know why we’re upset even if we haven’t articulated it into words. (It’s important to state what need of yours is currently unmet. Ex. Validation, time to decompress, respect, etc.)
3) We don’t express our needs clearly and therefore leave room for miscommunication errors. (Our loved ones often can’t meet our needs if they don’t know a specific strategy to do so)
4) We don’t express or acknowledge/appreciate our loved one when they DO follow through with our needs because we feel like it’s something they should just do. (Whether or not it’s something they “should” be doing anyway, they will usually need positive reinforcement to evoke changes)
Let’s look at a guide you can use to put this into practice!
Practicing this several times with past conflicts will help you to familiarize yourself with a new, bangin way to communicate your needs and get them met!
Guide
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When situation X happened, I interpreted that in my reality as __________________ and then I felt ___________ (emotion).
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I realized I need __________________ (insert need).
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The best way to do this is to _________________ (explain need).
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Does that make sense? Can we try this together? What do you feel and/or need?
Let’s give it a go and fill it out together!
“When you texted me after you got off work and told me you were going out with friends for a couple hours instead of coming straight home, I interpreted it in my reality that you don’t value our time together and then I felt hurt.
I realized I need more emotional connection with you.
The best way to do this for me is to have some scheduled time together that I can count on every week. I’d love to have a date night once a week and also stay in and spend quality time with just you and me once a week.
Does that make sense? Can we try this together? What do you feel and/or need?”
Another example:
“When I was trying to tell you about my day earlier and you were distracted with your phone, I interpreted it in my reality that I didn’t matter to you and then I felt angry.
I realized I need to feel seen and heard by you.
The best way to do this for me is to spend 10 minutes at the end of the day letting me share while paying attention and actively listening to me.
Does that make sense? Can we try this together? What do you feel and/or need?”
Bonus tips on communicating your needs:
- Always prioritize collaboration over compromise. Compromise is a lose-lose situation by design. Collaboration is working together to find a win-win solution that works well for both parties.
- Try to focus on being vulnerable rather than defensive.
- Validate the other person’s feelings and experience.
- Catch yourself when you start making assumptions and try to engage your curiosity instead
- When your loved one does follow through on meeting your need, make it a party! Appreciate, acknowledge, and encourage them so they can develop positive emotional associations with meeting your needs.
I hope this has been helpful!
If you decide to practice these communication skills, let me know how it goes!
A special thanks to Thais Gibson for this handy exercise and her teachings on needs.
