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How to Choose Your Tribe

How To’s designed to get you unstuck and pull you into alignment with your highest self.

Whether you’re swimming in a pool of friends or there’s nary a one in sight right now, we all need and deserve to have love and support in our lives.

When we’re kids, we can form a bond over sharing a pencil or a favorite stuffed animal.

Building friendships as an adult can be a challenge!

So, before we jump in, remember it takes time to cultivate deep, trusting connections.

Here’s how to get started!

1. Start with you

In order to attract the right kinds of people for you, it’s paramount that you operate from an authentic place.

If we’re stuck in anxious, people-pleaser mode, we generally attract people who share those qualities.

Or worse, we attract ones who take advantage of them!

As it turns out, all that brouhaha about being yourself is actually pretty darn effective.

You won’t attract EVERYONE with this method, and that’s the point!

The more you represent yourself accurately (or the higher you fly your freak flag), the more people who are a good match will be drawn to you.

If you’re worrying (like I did on a daily basis) those people may not exist, I promise they do!

2. Look for people with similar values

It’s normal to have friends from different backgrounds and ones who have different personalities.

You don’t even have to be interested in all of the same things as long as there’s at least some common ground.

That being said, have you ever been in a friendship or relationship where you had totally different values?

Talk about challenging!

Many of our values are central to our identities, so trying to create a trusting connection with someone who aligns on the things most important to you is such a bonus.

As long as you and your friend can respect each other’s values though, that’s what is key.

3. Look for people who have a willingness to grow

This is one that often gets looked over when making friends and in forming relationships in general.

As humans, we’re always growing, changing, and learning (whether we want to or not!).

Because of this, we are likely to outgrow many of our relationships throughout our lives.

For the ones you plan to keep for years or decades, it helps if both parties are willing to adapt to changes within the friendship.

If both of you can hold loosely the idea of what the friendship should look like, you can continue to create something new while maintaining closeness and connection.

4. Look for people who give you energy

This goes back to the EEE (Energizing, Enjoyable, and Easy) versus DDD (Dull, Difficult, and Draining) lens.

When you think of the friends/acquaintances you have in your life, who do you always feel excited to hang out with?

Whose presence do you leave feeling lighter, brighter, and more energized?

If you choose to try any of the things on our list of suggestions this week, I would encourage this one most of all since it’s by far the most effective.

Simply noticing who you feel best with is a huge indicator of healthy connection.

Looking through this lens can be surprising.

You might find that some of the people you spend the most time with actually drain you.

And you may realize there are buds of friendship around you that you hadn’t even noticed!

5. Look for people who invest in you

It’s such a crap feeling to be in a one-sided friendship.

You make yourself available, you’re responsive, you’re always willing to be there for someone.

And in return? You get zilch!

Great friends reciprocate when you make moves toward connection.

They invest their time, attention, and effort in the relationship.

If you’re reading this, I’ll bet you’re the kind of person who invests in the people around you.

After all, here you are right now, showing a willingness to learn and grow!

We all deserve relationships where there’s a balance between giving and receiving.

So, look for those who match your level of investment in the friendship.

Pay attention to people who are reliable and consistent in their efforts with you.

These are magical connections where we feel heard, understood, and accepted.

As important as it is to accept yourself, it’s ALMOST as important to surround yourself with people who will remind you what a fantabulous human being you are on a regular basis.

I hope this has given you some clarity and direction!

See ya next time!

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