A secure person is someone who has a positive view of themselves.
They believe they are deserving of being loved and having their needs met.
They also have a positive view of others.
They believe other people are willing and able to meet their needs.
If you feel more insecure in relationships, it’s almost certainly because you struggle to have a positive view of yourself, other people, or both!
A great first step to becoming more secure is to surround ourselves with people we can trust.
This cements the belief that we are worthy of love and acceptance while also confirming there are safe people in the world we can trust and depend on.
How do I know who I can trust?
The simplest way to know if someone is trustworthy is to ask this question: “Do their words consistently match their actions?”
Lately, I’ve been taking it one step further with clients by having them take this more in depth quiz I discovered in Amy Chan’s book, Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart.
Here is the quiz along with the instructions:
- I feel safe and secure when I’m with this person
- After I leave an interaction with this person, I feel positive energy
- I trust this person
- I feel respected by this person
- I know I can count on this person
- I feel supported in this relationship
- I feel a sense of connection and belonging when I’m with this person
- I feel that I can share my feelings with this person without being judged or criticized
- I feel there is an equal exchange of give and take in this relationship
- This person respects my boundaries
Instructions:
Rate each person you’re curious about from 0-10 on each category and then add up the total.
Any relationship that scores 75 or above is a high safety relationship.
That means you can likely be yourself around them while experiencing a sense of belonging and acceptance.
Relationships that score under 50 are lower safety relationships.
These are ones to work on or potentially let go of completely since they tend to make us feel even more insecure.
What does it mean if I have low safety relationships?
If you are already an insecure person and the relationships you have are with people who aren’t particularly trustworthy, it’s going to be really damn hard to build up your confidence and security.
Low safety relationships perpetuate the beliefs that something is wrong with us, we’re not worthy of consistent love, others aren’t safe, and more.
It’s virtually impossible to become secure in relationships if we’re surrounded by people who confirm our negative beliefs about ourselves and the world.
With these relationships, it’s important to work on communication and setting boundaries.
If that doesn’t work or isn’t an option, it’s time to walk away.
What does it mean if I have high safety relationships?
If you find there are people you can trust and you feel accepted by consistently, these are the relationships to sow into.
Investing in those connections will help you confirm the beliefs that you’re worthy, deserving, loveable, and likable!
It will energize you and build you up over time.
Surrounding yourself with safe people will help you become more secure, happier, and healthier physically as well as mentally.
Pay attention to what sides of you different people bring out; that’s who you’ll be when you’re with them!
Let this quiz be a guide to you when you’re meeting new people and considering who to be close to.
You deserve relationships that bring out the best in you and build up your view of yourself.
See you next time!