Authenticity is one of those things that’s so hard to measure, isn’t it?
And yet!
Somehow we have this amazing ability to know it when we see it.
We can feel the difference between someone being authentic and someone operating from behind a mask.
One of the positive intentions of hiding parts of ourselves is that we think it keeps us safe (how you doin’ up there, Critter Brain?!).
When we’ve been rejected a lot in the past, sometimes we start to present a version of ourselves we think will be more acceptable.
It’s a great idea in theory.
However, not only are we robbing ourselves of the opportunity to be fully and completely accepted by others, we also come off as inauthentic.
Because, well, that’s exactly what we’re doing.
The road to authenticity can be a painful one, so I want to share some of my favorite hacks for keeping it real with the ones you love so you can begin to experience deeper, richer, more fulfilling relationships.
1. For the love of God, stop giving “outs”
What the heck is an “out?”
If we’re on the anxious/insecure side and we invite others to show up for us by asking for help or offering an invitation, we’ll add in a built-in way for them to get out of it.
For example*, “Hey, do you want to get lunch sometime? I know you’re really busy, so it’s okay if you can’t.”*
Or
“I’ve been feeling kind of down lately and could use someone to talk to, but I understand if that’s too much or you can’t handle that right now.”
If you’re feeling a little triggered right now, then this one’s definitely for you!
Although obviously well intentioned, outs have a weird energy to them.
What ends up happening is that we take away the other person’s agency when we do this instead of letting THEM decide if they’re too busy or if they don’t want to.
We get ahead of ourselves and start making assumptions that the person we’re talking to is going to feel pressured or obligated to spend time with us/help us.
Basically, we’re starting from judgment instead of curiosity.
And we’re playing small. Yuck – you deserve better than that!
When we make a genuine invitation or request, we can create internal space for them to decline.
Then, if they do, it’s easy to respond with understanding since we already considered that as a possibility.
So, practice taking your “outs” out.
The way someone responds when you don’t give them an out tells you a lot about that person and your role in their life.
I challenge you to try it and see what happens!
2. Play a little Red light, Green light
All of us have a certain amount of energy to spend on others.
I call this our emotional budget.
When someone makes a request of us or offers us an invitation, one of two things happens.
Either an inner “green” light comes on, meaning we feel confident we can say “yes” to the person without hesitation,
Or
An inner “red” light comes on that tells us we just don’t have that energy to spend out of our emotional budget.
Although your Human Brain may always push you in the direction of saying “yes” (where my people pleasers at???), your body will tell you definitively if you have that energy to spend or not.
Note: if we feel a pull to say “yes” to everything, we’re probably also the type to give others an out when we make a request of them.
It’s difficult for us to say “no,” and we assume they’re the same way.
If you’re going to practice cutting outs from your communication, then working on this “red light, green light” business is especially important to keep you in balance.
This step is a surefire way to work on your personal boundaries.
It also helps us to show up authentically since it’s almost impossible to say “yes” to something in an authentic way when our bodies have clearly told us we don’t have the energy in our emotional budget.
When I was first working on recovering from my people pleasing ways, I would ask myself a question every time someone asked something of me:
“If I say ‘yes’ to this, am I going to feel resentful?”
I made a pact with myself that if I knew I would feel resentful, I HAD to say “no.”
Resentment is poison in any relationship, so saying “no” from time to time was the lesser of two evils.
Asking yourself this question will help you stay true to your authentic self and keep your relationships healthier!
If you’re not quite there yet, that’s okay.
Start by noticing when your inner lights come on when something is asked of you.
Do you feel dread, pressure, and obligation?
Or do you feel excited to accept this person’s invitation?
The awareness alone will help pull you in an authentic direction.
3. Don’t talk sh$t on yourself!
I love a little self-deprecating humor from time to time, but when we make fun of or label ourselves, we’re rarely coming from a place of true authenticity.
I used to try to make myself feel more comfortable around others by judging myself in all kinds of ways.
I was like a puppy being submissive by showing its belly.
“Don’t worry!” I’d metaphorically say. “I won’t take up much space at all! I don’t think I’m important or special or interesting and I don’t need anything from you besides allowing me to be around you!”
I also thought I was beating everyone to the punch by calling myself a dork, a nerd, or a rambly mess.
When in reality, not only was I 100% more likely to be perceived as those things after I suggested them, I secretly wanted everyone to say, “No, you’re not! You’re great! We love you just as you are!”
They rarely did, and I was left feeling even more insecure.
When we crack jokes at our own expense either with the hope others will disagree with us or with the fear that they already think those things, it’s throwing judgments and assumptions all over the place.
Being kind to yourself and taking up space actually inspires others to do the same.
That’s what true confidence and authenticity looks like!
So, no more apologizing just for existing.
Hold your head high and let your inner reality be acceptable, wherever you are right now.
