Boundaries can be so friggin’ hard to learn for the first time as an adult.
If you grew up in a boundaryless home or found you had to be without boundaries just to survive childhood, it probably feels against your nature to set them and keep them.
But I come bearing good news; it’s not too late for you to learn some snazzy new tricks and to become a Boundary Expert!!!
And the best part is that learning to be a great boundary setter will actually yield more closeness, safety, and emotional connection in loving relationships.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is basically an imaginary line that delineates you from others, specifically your needs and personal reality (which are naturally communicated to you by your own subconscious mind).
That’s why a communicated – and even un-communicated – boundary of yours being violated feels like you’re becoming a part of something you don’t want to be.
Our boundaries teach those around us how we want to be treated.
If we are boundaryless, we teach others it’s okay to take advantage of us.
And although people are not inherently bad, they WILL take advantage of boundaryless people since they’re responding unconsciously to the messages we give.
How much change do I need in the area of boundaries?
Let’s find out with a little boundary audit, shall we?
I encourage you to rate yourself on how true the following statements are for you.
Give yourself 1 point for each true statement, a half a point if it’s only partly true or only true with certain people/in certain areas, and zero points if the statement is false for you.
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I often say “yes” to others when I want to say “no”
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I find myself being triggered by others setting a boundary with me
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I get upset or extremely bothered when others are upset at me/something I did
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I crave approval or praise in order to feel good about myself
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I lose myself in relationships OR get afraid of being swallowed whole
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I suppress my emotions or “pretend” I am okay when I’m not
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I avoid speaking up in order to avoid conflict
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I have to feel needed to feel alive
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I feel resentment towards others because I am repressing my needs
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Other people are a major part of my identity
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It is a struggle for me to understand how I’m feeling or what I need in real-time
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I sometimes feel disconnected from myself or “out of my body” around others
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I feel it is unsafe or scary to say “no” to someone else
Poor boundaries are NOT our fault, but they ARE our responsibility.
So, if you got a score of 3 or above, there’s some work to be done!
Not only that, but the higher you scored on the boundary audit, the more likely you are the be experiencing the following symptoms emotionally:
1. Overwhelmed
2. Pressured
3. Stressed
4. Fatigued
5. Frustrated
6. Resentful
7. Numb
8. Depleted
9. Anxious
If this sounds like you, we’re going to go into Strategies of the Bad-@$$ Boundary Setter next week.
For now, I want you to look at the areas where you struggle the most to create boundaries and ask yourself two questions:
- How is my body already telling me when I need to create a boundary? Ex. When someone oversteps, do you feel panic stricken, cringey or uncomfortable, trapped, helpless, resentful, etc.?
- What thoughts stop me from creating boundaries? Ex. “I will be a burden, I will be abandoned, I will be excluded, I will be rejected, I will be not good enough, I will be punished, boundaries = conflict, etc.”
Once you have the answers to this question, meet me back here next week for the tools to conquer discomfort and resistance with boundaries so you can show up authentically and powerfully in your relationships! Woohoo!!!
Extra special thanks to Thais Gibson and her work with Integrative Attachment Theory for much of this information!!
